Red Mist guide to car ads

Here is the Red Mist guide to car ads, and what they really mean…

Low recorded mileage – The seller suspects it has been clocked.

Genuine low mileage – The seller has no idea whether it has been clocked, but the seats aren’t worn.

Some service history – Up to 32,000 km.  Unfortunately the car now has 156,000 on the clock.

Full service history – And here’s one I made earlier…

Two previous owners – Plus the one whose name is currently on the logbook.  Plus the seller, who didn’t bother to register the car in his own name.  Neither did the mate he bought it from.

Immaculate bodywork – Amazing what you can achieve with P38 and a spray can.

Good condition for year – Well, how many other 1995 Fiats do you see around?

Low mileage for year – On a 15 year old car, that means 200,000 km.

Mechanic owned – The bloke spends all his working hours fixing cars for other people.  Do you really think he’s going to spend weekends working on his own?

Lady owner – Hasn’t had an oil change in five years.

New engine – New to this car, anyway.  Cost fifty quid from a scrap yard, plus a steam clean and a lick of paint.

New tyres – Serbian remoulds at a fiver each.

New battery – Very old battery, scrubbed down with Fairy Liquid.

Recent new clutch – Two years and 40,000km ago.

Expensive stereo – Evening, Sir.  Sergeant Murphy, Anglesea St.  Mind if I take a look inside your car?

Expensive alloys – Somewhere on De Nortside, an Toyota Yaris is up on bricks.

Sunroof – Interior full of water up to the bottom of the doors. The fish are thrown in for free.

Very quick – Thrashed to death.

Good runner – It starts and moves under its own power, downhill only!

Very reliable – But not for much longer, which is why the seller wants to get rid of it.

Engine needs minor attention – The oil filler cap is probably re-usable, but everything else is scrap, or only useful as door stops.

Needs little work for NCT – Failed on so many points, the NCT tester ran out of space to write them all down.

Needs minor welding – Needs new bodyshell.

Spares or repair – Everything totally worn out.  You may be able to salvage the wheel nuts, if your lucky.

Collector’s car – No it isn’t.  It’s a 1975 Hillman Avenger, and you’ll have to collect it with a recovery truck

Ideal first car – With a bit of luck, the new owner will crash it before the engine blows up.

Much money spent – Terminally unreliable, rolling money-pit whose owner has given up hope.

Good on fuel – “Sure I dont know – I put a tenner of what ever I can find as the cheapest and drive until the low fuel light burns out and get another tenner of green”.

Bodykit – Tacky glassfibre wheelarch extensions held on with pop rivets & superglue and painted a slightly different shade to the rest of the car. The car is very quick as a result (See above)

Rustproof, economical car – Reliant Robin

First to see will buy – No they wont!

POA – The seller is too embarrassed to put up the price they are looking for in case they get laughed at. Typically a deluded seller thinking it’s worth a small fortune, when it’s usually worth less than a half eaten apple.

“I know what I have” – Ya, I can see what you have from the pictures. It’s still wrecked…..